var answers = new Array( "The Gods have revealed unto me only this one true fact: Things will get worse if they don't get better.", "That's a matter of opinion. But things will get better if they don't get worse, you mark my words.", "A very interesting question. Which I'm not going to answer.", "Sorry, can't tell you that. It's a secret.", "That's a tricky one. The signs are propitious, if that's any help.", "Don't even go there.", "What a wonderful question! I congratulate you.", "Twenty-five sticks tied in a bundle, I think.", "The answer lies in the soil. Make sure it is well mulched to a fine tilth.", "You cannot be serious!", "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing - and you seem pretty dangerous to me.", "It's obvious that you don't have a copy of CHRONIC to hand.", "Admit it, you're just using me to finish your crossword puzzle, aren't you?", "The answer, without any doubt, is... oops, I've just dropped the clay tablet.", "You are not yet old enough to have such wisdom revealed. Come back in 50 years with a proof of age card.", "Give PERSEPHONE a ring, if you can find her cell phone number.", "Think of a number, double it, and take away the God you first thought of.", "The answer is written on this incredibly ancient parchment. I can just make out the words GET, OTHER, HOPEFUL and CHICKEN.", "Don't you ever look at our Holy Database?", "Close your eyes and think of FUM.", "Why don't you just pray to the God concerned?", "I've often wondered that myself.", "You should keep an open mind. Would you like to make an appointment for a trepanning operation?", "There's no need to get personal.", "Go and lie down for a while. The answer will come to you in a dream. Which you will promptly forget.", "The best cure is symbolic purification during a lunar eclipse. Er, sorry, what was the question again?", "Try speaking in tongues. You may find yourself speaking the answer in a mysterious foreign language.", "You would obviously benefit from a good swig of the Mead of Inspiration.", "The answer is on the tip of my tongue... But I don't like to poke it out when other people are watching.", "I used to know the answer to that one, but my memory isn't what it was.", "The Oracle is out to lunch. Please try again later.", "The traditional answer is this: Yes, no and maybe. I know that's not much help, but you can't beat tradition, can you?", "I'm not allowed to answer that question without authorization from KATONDA, the Ugandan God of Bureaucracy.", "Loki, Zeus, Aphrodite and a large carrot, if I recall correctly.", "You put something in, and you get something out. Not with this oracle.", "It is very difficult to put things in perspective when entering the fourth dimension.", "Those whom the Gods adore they first drive insane. As if you hadn't noticed.", "If anyone can answer that, it's me. Oh yes. I so totally know the answer to that question. Do you have any others like that one?", "Hmmm.. You'd be better off asking my colleague in Finland.", "I couldn't tell you, I'm a stranger here myself.", "Sorry, that's classified info. The Gods have their secrets, you know.", "That's exactly the kind of question that's always doing the rounds at the Oracle's convention.", "Before we go any further, I must tell you that questions are charged at $15 each.", "I don't know, and quite frankly I think you should be ashamed of yourself.", "Let me give you some advice. When all else fails - run away.", "Thank you for contacting The Holy Oracle. I'm afraid there's no-one here at the moment, but please leave your credit card details and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.", "Oh dear, I've run out of entrails. I can't do a thing without entrails. Perhaps you'd care to donate yours.", "The Gods know everything. But they're not telling.", "Only the Most Holy Snail knows the answer to that.", "It's behind the sofa. Next question.", "I'm afraid you've been swallowed by a silly rumor. You may have to be exorcised.", "You must learn to stop worrying. Nothing bad is going to happen for hours yet.", "Don't be so lazy - surely you can make time to sacrifice the odd sheep or goat.", "Before you go any further, it might be prudent to take out one of our policies against demon attack.", "The answer will come to you in a vision next Wednesday.", "Are you trying to cause the Holy Oracle to crash?", "Don't get involved.", "It all depends which way you are facing.", "The God that usually deals with this matter is undergoing therapy. We have left a message with the recording angel.", "That is written in the Sands of Time. Please visit your nearest desert.", "Crimson. That might seem a very obscure answer, but things are not always what they seem.", "The ability to remain underwater for lengthy periods could be to your advantage here.", "Your best interests are of great Godly concern. But they work in very mysterious ways.", "The best thing you can do is get in touch with RADIGAST. He's the Slavonic God of Thought and terribly helpful.", "To answer that question I'll need to scrutinise your soul. Please place it in the receptacle provided on your way out.", "A horse with eight legs could be an advantage here. Contact ODIN for the best hire rates in the business.", "Spibble. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it really is the answer, honest.", "Art Tatum. Not a Latin poem about potatoes, but a God of Jazz. And when Art Tatum plays, all else goes out of the window. You should try it.", "The mystic entrails have spoken. And they say: Blibbley fibbly flob gob blob.", "A piece of advice. Remember the Eleventh Commandment: don't get caught.", "I have good news. Fortuna is on your side. Something amazingly fortunate will happen to you tomorrow. Don't forget I told you!", "I don't know, but I'm working on it.", "Never mind that, can I interest you in next week's lottery numbers?.", "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. But a little scorpion is also quite troublesome.", "My amazing wisdom tells me the Gods are smiling upon you. Smile back.", "Sorry, a script error has occurred. That's what you get for asking such a silly question.", "As it says in the Holy Bible: Do not bind the mouths of the kine that tread the grain. Or else.", "Be kind to snails for they are most holy. That's all you need to know.", "With all the knowledge of the universe at my disposal, do you really think I want to answer a trivial question like that?", "Hey, that's the fifteenth time I've been asked that today! Or is it the sixteenth?", "I don't know, and if I did I wouldn't tell you. And if I did, you wouldn't believe me.", "I was wondering the exact same thing. Spooky, isn't it?", "Beetroots hold the key to everything. Eat a raw beet today!", "Tell ten of your friends to visit this website and I'll think about telling you.", "Ask and ye shall receive. Complain and ye shall get punched on the nose.", "If you would really know the answer to that, visit the Holy Database and search for FINTAN, the Salmon of Knowledge.", "The Gods have deemed it very unlikely.", "I'm glad you asked me that. It shows you are a person of rare intellect and notable curiosity. Just the kind of visitor we love.", "Being a Holy Oracle has many advantages. Answering questions like that isn't one of them.", "You will meet a tall dark handsome God.", "Can you type a little louder please? I'm a bit hard of hearing.", "Never mind that, have you bought anything from the God Shop lately? Us Oracles have gotta eat, you know", "I'm not sure. I'd have to consult the Oracle's Oracle. You'd better ask another question.", "You should take my advice: Beware of false profits.", "The Gods are angry. Send $10.00 to Godchecker.com or a plague of boils will infest your orifices.", "Aardvark." ); function fortune() { num = Math.round( (answers.length - 1) * Math.random()); return answers[num]; }