The Holy Snail™

We shall endeavour to shed light on a subject shrouded in mystery. Or misted in shroudery. Possibly even lost in the shrubbery.

Why the Holy Snail?
That's the question most often raised by vistors to this site.

Make no mythtake - Godchecking is a fascinating task. There's no end to its cycles and circles. When examining ancient myths, we often have to rely on hearsay, word of mouth and Chinese whispers...
In the beginning was The Word. Since then we've had words without end. They're wonderful things - but words can also be the most misplaced, misguided mish-mash of miscalculation known to mankind.

"Our Farther Witch Art In Heaven"

I was taught to intone that at infant school. Or so I thought until I learnt to read. Too late! The words Art, Witch and Heaven had taken a grip and unknowingly the seeds of Godchecker were sown. (The Chinese Peaches of Immortality take 3,000 years to ripen. Godchecker took slightly less.)

But that's how it happens with Gods and Myths. Take, for example, Moses coming down from the mountain of Sinai in all his tablet-brandishing splendour. Now the Romans believed that Moses had two strange appendages sprouting from the top of his head.

But he didn't. It's entirely due to the insidious power of words. The original Hebrew text says merely: 'The skin of his face shone'. But unfortunately in that vowel-deprived language this could be translated as either:

1) Sent forth beams
2) Sent forth horns

The Roman scholars, not really understanding, went for the second version. And thus Moses became faintly mollusc-like. No less a prestigious person than Michelangelo himself depicted Moses with suspiciously snail-like horns.

Fashionable Tassel Hassle

In the Old Testament (Numbers 8), God tells Moses that all who wish to pass the test of godliness must wear bright blue tassels for all eternity. And not just any old blue tassels you could buy in the nearest fashionable emporium, oh no. The tassels had to be dyed with the blue blood (Techelet) of a particular mollusc that rose from the sea once every 70 years.

We can only assume that demand exceeded the supply. But the cult of Holy Snailness had slithered up another rung on the ladder.

Secret Snails in the Church

In the 17th century, Catholics began using giant Oceanic mollusc shells in their mystic rites. They used them as receptacles for Holy Water. Some of those Oceanic snails can grow to enormous size, you know. And believe it or not, this still goes on today. They just don't like to talk about it.

Meanwhile, in Indonesian, the Legend of the Golden Snail had appeared, giving rise to a mystic belief in the power of snails. Particularly golden ones.

The Snail Trail

No wonder the Holy Grail was never found. Somewhere along the line - and what a convoluted, tangled, knotted line it is, involving Peredar son of Efrawg, Jesus, The Knights of the Round Table, angels, and someone called Arthur, the Quest for the Holy Grail was on completely the wrong track.

Have you ever seen a grail? It is a comb-makers file for smoothing the teeth on combs. It is also a corruption of the Latin 'gradulis' which means dish. So why not a dish of snails? Snails also have lots of rasping teeth. Ask cabbages. We feel the Knights of the Round Table were just running around in circles. None of them reached deity status, and I am not surprised.

It's no good looking at pictures of The Last Supper, or scuffling around in Glastonbury. The quest is over. We have found the Holy Snail. We'll match our Snail against a Grail any day. But there is no way you wll ever find a Holy Grail so it's no contest.