LUGH : The Shining One

For those of a Celtic, Gaelic or Garlic persuasion, LUGH is the Golden Wonder Boy.

It was not always so. He was off to a bad start with a Demon King for a grandfather. BALOR, who had one cyclopian eye and one huge leg, heard a prophecy that he would be killed by his grandson and took the precaution of locking daughter ETHLINE in a transparent tower. (This was probably made of crystal as no Irish deity of double glazing has yet been discovered.)

But BALOR had not reckoned on the craftiness of CIAN, brother of GOIBNU the Great Smith, who disguised himself as an old crone and wangled his way inside. The sneaky CIAN had his wilful way under the duvet with no-one the wiser until little LUGH popped out.

Throwing out the baby

BALOR was furious and hurled the baby into the sea. But that was the domain of Sea God MANANNAN MACLIR, who was fed up with demons polluting his waters and came to the rescue.

Big Mac took the baby under his fin and raised LUGH as his child until he was old enough to stay with Uncle GOIBNU. There he grew so strikingly handsome and amazingly skilled that he decided Godly status would be a good choice of career.

Now in those far-off days of rampant Gods populating with the peasantry, family ties were not enough. You had to apply to the God Centre and pass the special exam conducted by the Gatekeeper. His name is not recorded, but we believe him to be the original Mr Jobsworth.

Lugh at the job interview

JOBSWORTH: Can't let you in here chum. It's more than my job's worth.
LUGH: But I have amazing skills. I'm a blacksmith, a goldsmith, a silversmith and I can forge anything.
JOBSWORTH: That's no good. We got plenty of Smiths here already. Jack Smith, John Smith, Smiffy Smith. And forgery's a criminal offence. Buzz off!
LUGH: I can do carpentry too. My dove-tail joints are top-notch.
JOBSWORTH: A bloke called MFI duz all our woodwork. Now scat.
LUGH: I write awesome poetry.
JOBSWORTH: Poetry? Don't make me laugh. We got the geezer wot writ the first limerick.
LUGH: How about chess? I'm unbeatable.
JOBSWORTH: We got the Grand Master. You'd never beat him, you cheeky Lughead. But you can try if you dare. Wait a minnit.<

Jobsworth returns with the Champion. LUGH beats him three times in a row with his eyes shut and asks for another challenge. A huge flagstone sails over the wall and thuds to the ground, narrowly missing him.

JOBSWORTH: Our top muscle-man did that. Throw it furver than 'e' did and maybe we'll consider you.
LUGH: No problem.

Raising the massive slab with ease, LUGH steps back five paces, aims, and hurls it back over the wall. It lands in precisely the same spot it was taken from and fits exactly. Applause.

And the rest is history. LUGH became top warrior God and waged triumphantly against baddies for many years. And the prophecy did come true - he slew grandad BALOR with a sling.

After fathering CUCULAIN, the Irish hero, his Celtic powers dwindled with the onset of Christianity. He slid slowly down the mythological ladder and ended up as a Leprechaun. Luckily he had invested for the future, turning some of the sun's radiance into gold. And we can tell you exactly where to find it.

Just look at the end of any rainbow.

And the best of Lugh to you all.