FENG-SHUI

Barely scrutable Chinese system of Cosmic Harmony

"Wind-Water" is a traditional method of reaching Cosmic Harmony based on the idea of QI, YIN and YANG, and the balance between Heaven and Earth. In modern practical terms this basically means rearranging your furniture until you feel good.

There are dedicated FENG-SHUI practitioners who can transform every aspect of your life, but newcomers to the field might like to try the Godchecker Guide To Good Vibes:

Stage 1: First catch your God. Then make sure he points in the right direction.

Stage 2: Adjust your Karma with soothing traditional music played on bamboo shoots.

Stage 3: Eat a lotus leaf backwards while thinking Profound Thoughts.

Stage 4: Balance a goldfish bowl on your head. This will cause all your negative vibrations to flow outwards whenever you pass East Wind.

Stage 5: Insert Toe A into Nostril B using wooden utensil provided.

Stage 6: Breathe deeply and send us all your spare cash. (Checks are riddled with negative energy.)

Congratulations! You'll now be so confused that FENG-SHUI will be the least of your problems.