Tecuciztecatl and the Anti-Slug Party

A new approach to modern gardening - by DB Lenke

DB Lenke writes: Some time ago you kindly supplied me with information about Tecuciztecatl for my anti-slug party. Here's a description of the ritualistic part of the evening - complete with ode to Teciciztecatl. You can see that your information has been put to a good use. Thank you again for your help!

No-one who saw my niece officiating as the High Priest to Tecuciztecatl, reciting the attached ode to that ancient Aztec Snail and Worm deity while confronting his effigy, could possibly entertain any doubts regarding the efficacy of the spells she pronounced.

Oh! it was a moment of supreme excitement, high tension, and sacred awe. There she was, by the shores of Loch Toad, tall and imposing, illuminated by candles, and draped in an implausible - but nevertheless very impressive - poison-green and shocking pink costume (which even included a set of bobbing antennae). Swathed in the fog that arose from the lake, she intoned with a powerful voice her agricultural incantations.

There was us, her small band of fellow supplicants, gathered loyally at her feet, clutching candles and chanting rhythmically at the appropriate intervals the words she had taught us (like "Hail the Great Snail!").

And across the water, glowing with a deathly pallor, was the effigy of the almighty Tecuciztecatl. Six feet long, three feet high, and one foot thick, as mighty a snail-effigy as was ever seen this side of the western seas. Unseeing, unhearing, unmoving, he gave no indication of our presence, as is his wont. But we believed, we chanted, and put our trust in the mighty spells of our snail priestess.

And lo, Tecuciztecatl sent a gentle breeze that extinguished our candles and sent us scuttling back to the warm house, heartened by this sign of snailish approval, and full of hope that our gardens might be spared and our harvest blessed.

The effigy - which I sewed from an old woollen blanket if you must know, and stuffed with crumpled newspapers of the more liberal sort - now resides in the attic, lording it over an array of assorted bits and pieces, and looking forward to its next night of glory in a year's time. [Ed: Our pleas for photographic representation of this amazing effigy have so far proved unsuccessful.]

If the ritual proves successful, I plan to go into business and travel the country up and down as a Snail Charmer. Sadly my niece, good sport that she usually is, has declined to take part in such an enterprise. Apparently her performance was watched by several neighbors, who viewed her with suspicion when she went for the breakfast rolls the following morning, and barely managed to refrain from commenting. I am therefore in the happy position of offering the job to anyone who is interested. An imposing stature, stentorian voice, and exhibitionist tendencies would be helpful in filling the vacancy.

Ode to Tecuciztecatl

Hear us Tecuciztecatl
Listen in your rocky tomb
Hearken to your faithful servants
And avert our snailish doom.

Every year we struggle greatly
Cultivate this plot of soil
Trying hard to make a living
Night and day, we toil and moil.

But alas, we labour vainly
Every year our effort fails
And the cause, I hate to say it
Are your kin, the slugs and snails.

Hardly have the first spring sun rays
Warmed the earth of hill and dale
Got the timid seeds to waken
They get eaten by some snail.

Vegetables, herbs, and flowers
Fruits and grasses without fail
Anything that’s green and growing
All gets eaten by some snail.

We are loathe to seem ungracious
We’re prepared to share our kales
And our other garden produce
With your ever hungry snails.

But your small and slimy kindred
Crawl along destructive trails
They don’t share, they leave us nothing
Those voracious, selfish snails.

Be aware we face starvation
Without food we’ll grow too frail
To grow further garden produce!
Starving, too, will slug and snail.

Thus we fervently beseech you
To restrain your hungry kin
So that our ravaged landscape
Will bear fruit and veg again.

Otherwise we might take action
Which you surely would bewail
With the help of many poisons
We might murder every snail.

Gracious Tecuciztecatl
Do not tempt us to betrayal
Speak to your voracious kindred
Summon every slug and snail.

Abstinence might be the answer
Tell the women and the males
Sex is nasty and unworthy
Of all self-respecting snails.

Tell the snails they’ll lose their houses
Like the slugs did, without fail
If they don’t reduce their numbers
To a manageable scale.

To the slugs promise new houses
If their breeding they curtail
Cosy, comfy, rent free dwellings
With a stove and curtain rail.

In conclusion, noble mollusc
Help us to contain your kin
So that snail and slug and human
Live in harmony again.
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Copyright © 2003 DB Lenke, who doesn't live in Portland, Oregon.

Performance rights for the 'Ode To Tecuciztecatl' should be addressed to DB Lenke c/o the Godchecker Team.