He’s not a gangster as such but is definitely in charge of the Dead End scenario. Married to the beautiful Isis, he was quite content to rule Vegetation and Fertility until he was knocked off by his evil brother Set, who locked his body in a chest and chucked it into the Nile.

But nothing’s ever that simple when it comes to the Gods, and the chest was washed up on the shore, stuck in a giant tree, turned into a pillar and relocated to the palace of King Byblos where Isis, having searched high and low, eventually found it.

Cursing his luck, wicked Set chopped the body into a zillion pieces and scattered them all over Egypt. So poor Isis had to search all over again, collecting bits and pieces of her dead husband until she had every last scrap.

Then Ra took pity on her and sent Thoth and Anubis to help put the jigsaw puzzle back together. Luckily there were no pieces missing. Except one.

Sometimes small details get overlooked, but they can be of prime importance. Set in his savage spite ensured there was one piece missing when Isis came to reconstruct Osiris. He had thrown the Schlong Of Osiris into the Nile, where it had been swallowed by a fish. But Isis, summoning all her Godly Reconstruction powers, which were by now formidable, managed to fashion another one. It was made out of gold — and fully functional. (Do not attempt this at home — battery-operated devices will not suffice.)

The reconstructed Osiris was mummified for burial; and he looked so fine in his shiny wrappings that Isis couldn’t resist one last fling. As luck would have it, her charms breathed new life into him and she became pregnant with Horus.

Meanwhile, thanks to his Underworld connections, the resurrected Osiris was promoted to Judge of the Dead under his new title Un-Nefer alongside Maat and Thoth. Consequently he now has little time for being non-judgmental.

Osiris also found a new lease of life as part of the Serapis Project, a collaborative religious venture between the Greeks and Egyptians...

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Article last revised on November 03, 2018 by Rowan Allen.
Editors: Peter J. Allen, Chas Saunders

References: Coming soon.

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